1:30 in the morning

Its 1:30 in the morning and I cant sleep. Generally I only sleep well when I take a lunesta. I didn't take them while at meetings in fear of oversleeping so I was up most of the nights there tossing and turning. Slept decent while in OKC due to Lunesta but haven't taken one in a few nights and I am regretting it but by the time I realize (which note to self, its going to happen every night) I am not going to be able to sleep its too late to take one. What makes it even worse is that I have been snoring a lot lately and that is keeping Todd up and he has been sick over the past week so he desperately needs sleep, and is sleeping in the other room. That makes me feel even more alone than I already do. Todd and I haven't really discussed what way we are headed. I throw pieces of information out that I have learned or if I have talked with an agency but he doesn't really ask questions or ask what all we need to do to get the ball rolling. I know this is just his way of dealing with it and I am trying to respect that its just very hard on me. I need to feel like I am doing something. I cant sit here and feel like I am letting precious time slip out of my hands. Maybe that is a bit controlling of me and I need to relax but I feel like if I am not doing something than I am not doing anything to make the situation better. I know my God has this under control and he doesn't need my help but even getting pregnant takes action on our part. I am pretty sure Jesus was and will always be the only immaculate conception! It was even more heart wrenching to hear from one of my doctors that if she had only known just a week or two earlier should could have matched us with a teen mom who is giving her baby up. But again it has to be in God's timing or its not His will and I know this but sometimes I feel like I cant catch a break. But then again I look at all the other aspects of my life and I am completely satisfied. I am so thankful to God for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I am thankful for His love for me. I am thankful for his huge sacrifice just to save me! I am asking for prayer though, although I know my God is in control I can feel myself starting to harden. I talk to God everyday and tell Him everything that He already knows but I am finding myself not reading or being in His word like I should be. I cant even begin to explain it. I know He is Lord of all and that He gave his only son to die for my sins and that I have given my heart to him to be Lord and King of my life. I know He has a plan and I cant see what the future holds but He always knows what is best and He loves me unconditionally, but the question of why keeps getting stronger and louder every day. and its not just why cant we have another baby its a whole realm of whys. Why didn't we start trying sooner, what have we done, have we done something wrong, are we done, if we are will I ever be able to accept this, how is my sadness affecting my marriage, should we adopt, if so how do you sit down and decide what type of child you are willing to accept and unwilling to accept. If I call myself a Christian shouldn't I be willing to receive any precious gift from God, why doesn't my child deserve a brother/sister. How will this effect him not only now but 30, 40, 50 years from now......The list goes on and on and repeats itself on a daily basis. I cant shut it off.

It will get better, it has to! Lord I love you and I am asking for strength and sleep!

at a loss.....

I can remember being in middle school and high school and having my life planned out. When I was going to get married, what I was going to do career wise, how many children I was going to have, etc. Why in the world would I think that having children would be any different than every thing else that didn't happen the way I planned it. The key word there being I. I planned all that, not God. God has his own plan. I just wish I knew what that plan was. I want so badly to be in the will of God but I also so badly want to know what that is. Its very hard to think that I might not have another baby. I just wish if that were the case that this longing in my heart would go away. I am at such a loss for not only words but feelings as well. Its hard having to go through this month in and month out. How do I even keep talking about it because there isn't anything new to say but the pain doesn't get any less. Some people don't understand and I know that having never been in this situation makes it hard to understand but it doesn't help me any. I am so thankful to have the support system I do. I really do have a great circle that lets me talk anytime I need to and even if I have said the same thing 15 times they just let me talk. Its hard to believe that I may never know what life with two children is like. That I will never have another baby of my own to hold for three hour naps, to rock and feed, to watch that baby grow into a marvelous four year old. That I may never see my amazing husband hold another baby of our own. Yet that seems to be my reality.

Dear Lord give me guidance and strength to follow you and trust you. I am blessed to have the wonderful baby I do have and Oh Lord how I thank you for him. I praise your sweet name. Help me to be faithful in your will for our life.

Amen

all kinds of emotions

I have been thinking a lot about some people I know who have lost a baby not long after they were blessed with their sweet angel and how it doesn't seem fair. I struggle so much throughout this process because I do have a sweet precious baby boy from my Heavenly Father. That child is so amazing to me! I cant even put into words how I feel about him and what that baby means to me. I love the age he is at and every little growth he is going through right now. How amazing it is to watch this process. It makes me love my God even more and knowing that I believe in my God and have for a long time but through this baby I am seeing Him! Childbirth itself is a miracle of God and how some one doesn't believe in God after they see a child born, seems so unfathomable. But over the last four years seeing him learn, hearing him ask questions and watching his mind seek out knowledge is unbelievable. My unconditional love for him astonishes me and I am reminded that is exactly how my Heavenly Father loves me and even more so. So I struggle with feeling like this, that I want another baby, because I have an amazing child. I struggle with the fact that I haven't experienced the type of loss that some of my friends have. Some of my friends have experience such heartache and loss that my issue seems so small in comparison. I look at my baby and cant imagine my life without him. He makes Todd and I's love so real and physically touchable (if that makes any sense). Aiden is the two of us together and together God trusted us with this baby. So why does it hurt so bad? I was explaining to someone today that my hurt isn't just because I so badly want another baby that it has everything to do with our son. I want him to experience all the love, fights, family vacations, holidays, special bond, family dinners, school dances, sports, milestones, and so much more that Todd and I had with our siblings. I want so bad for Aiden to have someone to talk to when Todd and I drive him crazy. I want him to have a brother or sister that he is excited to buy a birthday or Christmas present for and cant wait for them to open it. I want him to have a brother or sister to come home to when he comes home for the summer from college and when he gets married and when he has children of his own. I want him to have a brother or sister that when Todd and I are old and need help being taken care of he doesn't have to hold that burden alone. When Todd and I have reached our final destination I want Aiden to have someone to share in his sadness and help him remember all the good times we had as a family. I want Aiden to have a brother or sister who can help him see the importance of family and that no matter what happens in life they are always there for you. Maybe if Todd and I weren't so close to our siblings and have such great relationships with them and the fondest memories of not only our childhoods with them but even now as we grow older together it would be easier for me to see Aiden as an only child, but I want him to experience what I have. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting this for my child but I still struggle and sometimes feel that I am being ungrateful for what I do have in my beautiful son. Every time we sit down at the dinner table and I see the empty seat sitting next to me I wonder where is our other child. I cant explain to you that its not that I feel empty or not complete with just Aiden, I just feel like that seat is supposed to be holding another precious gift. Deep down I know I am not a bad mother that I am a good mother to my precious son but sometimes I cant help but think I have done something wrong. But I will tell you this, I am so thankful for a husband who loves me no matter what. That when I look at him now, I see how much this man loves me. I am thankful for a bond with him that is unbreakable. I am thankful for a son who is oblivious to any of this and just wants his mommy and daddy to play with him and love on him. I am thankful for true friends/sister that get how I am feeling and want to be there for me because they truly care about me and what I am going through. Although tough at first but I am thankful for God letting some people go out of my life who shouldn't be in it anyway. I am thankful for a family that hates to see us hurt and struggle and wants to do nothing more than love on us. and most importantly I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows my hurt but more than that He knows what is best for me and no matter what He will always love me and wrap His arms around me and sing over me. Oh sweet Jesus how I love you and adore you. I know you are watching over us! You will never give us more than we can handle. I am thankful for the cross that you are so loving to give your own life for me! You were God's only son and you took on the weight and sin of the world that we may have life eternal. What a testament to love! Thank you for your provision and I ask for strength and guidance.

So much to say

I looked back at my last couple of posts and even on our family blog and I am so short spoken and felt like I didn't make much sense in my posts. I understood what I was trying to say but I just didn't put it out there very well. I think that I have been in such a mood that I want to get my feelings out but I was just in a very different place and was having a hard time doing so. It felt strange for me not to want to talk to anyone the day I found out. and the fact that I didn't talk to anyone other than Todd, Aiden, and a few emails to my girlfriends to let them know what was going on for almost a week seemed even stranger for me. I am such a social person and I have felt this distance forming in my heart for several months now. I hate the person I have been lately. Its just not me. Every part of my life except for Aiden has suffered. The other night a few of my girlfriends and I went to dinner and that was one of the best nights I have had in a very long time for myself. I finally felt like laughing and smiling. Don't get me wrong I love my family and enjoy the time we all spend together I have just had this gloomy feeling hanging over me.

I have started on another medication and this medication is to actually help me feel better and I honestly believe it is working! I am so thankful that not only is this medication working and helping me to get back to who I was, that I get to be a part of this medication making other women's life better as well because I promote this drug! I look and see how God put me in this role because I can believe in it whole hearted! Its a great feeling to think that maybe just maybe there are more women out there who feel like they got their life back because of this drug!

I still feel stuck though. There is nothing I can do with the exception of a few things to for this entire process. It is completely out of our hands. I am a little bit of a control freak and I have gotten much better but you cant even try to control a situation like this. I feel like I need to be doing something. I already cut three inches off my hair (something I can control), looking at projects that need to be completed in our house, and of course I have been doing some shopping. But the problem with these solutions are they cost money and right now I need to be saving as much money as I can.

Todd and I are still at odds on what we should do. He really doesn't want to think about adoption but to me a baby even if it isn't our DNA is better than no baby. We have so many questions that no one can answer for us. We are seeking out Godly counsel to help guide us. We continue to talk about all of our possibilities and what we feel God is telling us to do. We spend a lot of time in prayer and reading. We just don't have that gut feeling that we are supposed to go one way or the other. We are leaning on each other for support and I am glad that God chose him as the partner who was supposed to walk through this journey with me.

I am not sure if I can go through that pain again of not being pregnant and doing so much to try to be pregnant. But why in the world did I let myself get my hopes up so high for about a 20% success rate? I told Todd to try to remind me of those odds on this round so I can try to keep myself grounded. I guess we shall see cause here we go again.

To or Not to

I feel so lost, confused, not in control, down on my luck, etc. I just dont know what to do. We finally sat down last night and talked but its crazy neither one of us has that deep down feeling of what we are supposed to do. We have prayed so much and I have read and tried to listen to God. I am not angry at God or question His authority. Its just in other situations we have always had a peace about the decision we are supposed to make. This time we both have no idea what we are supposed to do. Its a decision neither one of us feel like we can make. This seems like an impossible decision to make. I know no one can make this decision for us or tell us their opinions, it has to be our decision and we have to rely on God for this but I am so confused. I am really at a loss. It seems so unreal that we are even having to think about this. But I am so thankful for our family and friends. I am glad that they can be there with me to cry and lend their shoulder and help me to laugh. Laughter such an amazing release for my soul.

Heartbroken

Every time I have taken a pregnancy test over the last two years, I have experienced heartbreak, but nothing like this. That was probably the worst day I have had in a long time. I wasn't prepared to find out the way I did. Not only has this been so hard on me emotionally but physically as well. My body has been so out of whack. I have gained so much weight and I am not comfortable in my own skin. I told myself that it would all be worth it and I would drop the weight after I had a baby. Why did I let myself get my hopes up when I knew the success rate was so low. Its so hard though how do you not get your hopes up when you put yourself through so much physically and emotionally? I haven't felt like that in so long. I completely shut down. I couldn't talk to anyone. I just had to get away. I told myself I needed some time to not think about it at all and getting away from everything would be the best way for me to do that. I didn't really let myself think about it and that was nice. Now I can look at the situation with a clear head. Its going to be tough to go down this road again...

Trying to keep myself busy

This past week has been so hard trying to keep myself from thinking about whats to come. In the past I have always let it get the best of me wondering if I am pregnant or not. And with my crazy cycles there were times I would go through three or four pregnancy tests because I would never know. My doctor told me that I really had to get that under control that I couldnt spend so much time letting this consume me. But really this has been my life for over two years now. How do you not think about this. and now with us going to even greater links how do you think about anything else than this. I have been trying to keep myself so busy with activities that I dont think about it but its hard. This week is going to be a hard one.

Where to begin...

Needless to say I am grumpy, tired, I hurt, my head hurts, and I am sure my list of complaints could go on and on. I am not sure how much longer I can do this. But I know my God can. I absolutely need to lean on Him right now because its getting harder with each day. They told me I would be tired and possibly (more than likely) be in pain in my ovaries, have head aches and not to mention that I have had to take an allergy pill nearly every day of my life and not being able to is killing me. I go back in on wed to do another scan to see if I am "ready" and if so then Todd and I have to decide if we want to start the IUI this round. I just have no clue what to do. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am trying so hard to not let this effect my day to day responsibilities but it is. This week is already a crazy week without adding any other stress to the mix with it being Todd's birthday, Aiden's birthday and party (and having to scramble because of rain), Fathers day and Todd's dads birthday. We have so much going on this week! I am so thankful that I talked my boss into coming next week. I don't think I could have handled having to prepare for him this week.

Todd and I are so different in how we deal with this. I am trying so hard to stay positive and believe and hope that this is it and its going to work but I don't want to get my hopes up too high just to be let down. I know what it has felt like every time over the past two and half years to take a pregnancy test and feel that horrible let down and with how crazy my body is there were multiple times I would take multiple pregnancy tests within a three weeks span because I am so out of whack that is emotionally hard to deal with and its hard not to continue to get your hopes up. I am hopeful but I know that this time will be a lot harder to deal with if it doesn't take because we have put forth so much with the shots and all my appointments. Todd on the other hand is negative only to make it easier if it doesn't take not to feel the pain and if it does take to be so excited! I completely understand and know he has the right to deal with this in his own way, it just becomes hard for us both to help each other. I am not mad at him and I hope he is not mad at me. I love him so much and as we were talking yesterday he told me that we cant let this divide us and I am trying so hard not to because he is the love of my life and I thank God for him everyday. God knew what I needed in a husband and a father to our son way more than I knew what I needed and I am so thankful I listened to God and married him! We just have different ways of dealing with this and I just want it to be over so we can get back to normal. I look back at how close we were right before we had Aiden, I can remember telling him that I was so in love with him and I was so scared that having a baby was going to change that. Of course our relationship changed and it was strained for a bit with a newborn but he is still the love of my life. I look at what a good Godly man he is and I feel blessed I just want to be back to that place we were. I wish we didn't have to go through this but I know that if I have to go through this there is no greater man to go through this with than him. We will make it through this and we will be better because of it. We were discussing this morning how he knew before he married me that this was a possibility and how Aiden really is our miracle child and I am so thankful for him. But even knowing this was a possibility there is no way of knowing how you are going to feel when it really happens. Please please please pray for us. I am really needing prayer right now. I am clinging to Phil 4:13 because I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Thank you so much to those of you who do pray for us on a daily basis and thank you so much to my family and friends who are always there for me. You all mean so much to me and you all are apart of what is helping me get through this!

Oops...

We have done a million things today and I totally didn't start my watch clock at 9 tonight like I usually do. We had a snow cone and then let Aiden go down to the golf course to putt around and then when we got back he needed a shower and I had to get him ready for bed. By the time I finally got him done with showering, medicine, pottying, brushing teeth, kisses, hugs, tucking him in, more kisses and hugs it was after 10. I looked at the clock but I never thought oh its almost time for my shot. It was 10:58 when I decided I should start getting ready for bed since Todd is still watching a movie. I thought I will go ahead and get ready for bed that way when he is ready I will be completely ready. That is when I went "OH CRAP!!!!" I had forgot to stop at 10:30 and give myself my shot. I ran and got my stuff and was done by 11:02. I didn't have time to stop and think about this one!!! I hope I didn't screw things up! Now I am really nervous cause Todd and I were talking tonight about how I am sad because we aren't going to take a big vacation like we had planned to do with our friends because of this. We need to save our money to put towards these shots. I totally agree with that its just that it makes me sad. I was so looking forward to heading back to Mexico and laying on the beach sipping on fun drinks and enjoying some much needed relaxation with my hubby and some of our best friends. We had so much fun last time and I know this time would be even better. Plus I am about to turn 30 (not like I have really had the time to let that milestone bother me) and I wanted to do something big and fun. But with these shots we cant. I am hopeful this first round will take so that we don't have to do another month but I also know that if this round does take we wont be able to take a vacation next year because we will have a small baby but if it doesn't take then we will have to go for round two and that will mean we have to save even more money meaning that next year wont look possible either. It will totally be worth it to not take a vacation to have a baby I just wish we could do both!!!! We also started talking about our decision to only do two rounds of shots and that's it. We have decided we wont do invitro. So now I am really starting to feel the pressure. But that is the sad thing is that there is nothing I can do except I guess to remember to take my shots on time!!!! We will look into adoption but we haven't decided if we will agree to go ahead with the process. Blah....it really stinks having to deal with this but I know my God is bigger than me or my problems and He has a plan for us.

So far so good

So today will be shot number 4! Friday night I sat there in my bathroom for 15 minutes trying to tell myself all was well and it wasn't going to hurt. But this time this shot meant way more than just the pain attached to it. I had to tell myself that God is in control and I cant control this. All I could sit there and think about was if I was going to screw it up somehow. I think I checked the dial 15 times to make sure I had the right dose set and I did. Surprisingly it didn't hurt well the needle that is, but the actual medicine did burn. I have to give it to myself the same time every night so I chose 10:30 that way I wouldn't have to hurry home if we were out and about doing something fun and that is a good time that even if we were out we should be getting home by then any way so Aiden can be in bed. However the other night Todd and I wanted to go see a movie and it didn't start until 10:10 and that meant I was going to have to take all my stuff with me and give myself the shot at the movies. That didn't sound like fun and I was really scared to mess the medication up due to the fact that it has to be refrigerated. I have ice packs for it but when you are talking that much money its best to error on the side of caution. But overall the shots are going rather well. I know I am doing something right because I am having a bit of an allergic reaction to the meds. They made me stop taking all of my allergy meds and I think that is why I am struggling so hard with this. They said a little itching at the site of injection is normal but I feel like I have the chicken pox. I itch everywhere. All over my legs and backs and arms. So thankfully my doctor let me take a Zyrtec today to help get it under control. I am going to see how long I can go without taking any more allergy meds so I just hope and pray this one will stick with me for awhile!! After all this is said and I done I will be able to say I overcame so much! I am so thankful for so many wonderful things and one day I will be able to look back on this journey and say it just had to happen to get me to where I belong!

Overwhelmed

Today I am feeling overwhelmed. I have so many questions and my mind was spinning yesterday at the doctor that I couldn't think of one question to ask. I was in shock that we made the decision to start the shots. We have been bombarded with huge decisions that have taken priority and we hadn't even talked much about what we were going to do. I knew that yesterday was the day I needed to decide something because of where I am at in my cycle. I could have decided to wait another month to decide but after sitting there in the doctors office, I had this overwhelming feeling that I would always wonder what if I didn't give these shots a chance. I know I am a little biased but Aiden is such a cute little boy that I know if we were to have another baby he or she would be just as cute and I needed to say that we did everything we could to have one more child that was ours! Not that if we did end up adopting that child wouldn't be ours but having another child with my husband just reminds me of our love and that although we are separate people having a child makes us one! I am excited, nervous, anxious, and scared. This is where my God comes in. He is bigger than me and knows all. He tells us that He knows the plans He has for us and they are not to harm us. Since I spend so much time worrying and thinking about it all, my doctor gave me the number to a therapist to contact to see if that might help me. I think between that, this blog, and really submitting myself to the will of God I can get through this.

I will start the shots on friday and I have to give them to myself. The only problem is...I HATE SHOTS!!!!! Todd and I both don't know how I am going to do it and he may have to be the one to give it to me! Its all for a good cause and I think I have gotten better about getting shots but giving them to myself is a different story! I am sure it will be fine but still a little nervous!

Dear Lord

Thank you so much for all the many blessings you have given to us. We are so thankful and ask that you forgive us if we sin against you in any of this. I know you are all mighty all powerful ruler of the universe and you know the plans you have for my life. May I be willing to let you lead and know that you are God. I pray for calmness and a stillness that only you can provide. I pray for a hedge around our family and that you would find favor with us and bless us with another child. You know the desires of my heart, yet I pray for your will to be done! In the mighty name of Jesus

Amen

Journey

For over 2 years now we have been trying to have another precious baby. Sadly after several rounds of assistance drugs, surgery, more medication, and endless tears we are still searching for our baby of grace. This has been an extremely emotional time for me. There are so many reasons for me to be satisfied and full of love, and I love my son. He truly is God's gift to us and we can see that without a doubt now since we got pregnant with him on our first try. Some people say we should just be thankful for what we have because some don't even get that, and I agree that I need to be thankful for him and I am oh how I am. You cant put a price on the love and joy I experience daily with my little boy. He is my world and has been since I carried him in my womb. I will always know what it is like to carry a child and to give birth to him and see the miracle it truly is. However, my heart aches for another baby. I don't feel like my family is complete. When I think about our family later on in life I always saw big Sunday dinners with all our children there with their children. My children having a close relationship with each other like we currently do with our siblings. I see Aiden with our friends babies and he is so good with them. He wants a baby brother/sister. I could see him being the big brother who teaches his brother how to play ball, how to wrestle, how to freak mom out! I could see him being so protective of a baby sister and knowing that she would always have someone to lean on. When I look at him, I don't see an only child. Although these past couple of years have been extremely hard and overwhelming, I have never let it take away from our son. We truly make the most of every day with him. We always want to make sure he comes first. We want him to have the most wonderful memories as a child and we want him to look back at his childhood one day and see that we never missed a beat with him. I think this sometimes is where I struggle. I have so many roles to play throughout the day, every morning I am his mommy and whatever he needs me to do I do. I get ready for work and I step into the role of a working woman, then I come back and pick him up and go right back to mommy and wife mode picks up around the same time. I still play the working mom at home for a bit to get all of my emails checked, paperwork done, and to look at my next days work. I try so hard to keep everything together that I lay there at night and that is when I let all my emotions take over. I am so thankful for family and friends who are always there to talk and let me vent but its just something I cant explain. I feel alone in all of this. Even if someone has gone through it before it doesn't seem to help me. I feel broken, defective, and a failure. My husband doesn't quite seem to understand how this affects me. I know it affects him as well but in a completely different way. I wish he was more compassionate towards me, and I don't mean he isn't compassionate because he is. He is an amazing man and I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I just wish he would talk to me more about it and just sit and hold me. He doesn't know how to express how he is feeling so he just shuts down and then I in turn feel like I am going at this alone and that he doesn't care if we have another child. He says he doesn't want to keep talking about it with me, because he thinks that will keep me depressed. But I think about it every day anyway. I am thankful for a husband who loves me and I know God will get us through this!!!

I want this blog to be a place where I can be real and hopefully it will help me to let go and let God. We are starting another step in our journey to find our Baby of Grace. I want to journal about this experience so when we finally do get our baby we can look back at all we went through and praise God for such wonderful blessings.