Where to begin...

Needless to say I am grumpy, tired, I hurt, my head hurts, and I am sure my list of complaints could go on and on. I am not sure how much longer I can do this. But I know my God can. I absolutely need to lean on Him right now because its getting harder with each day. They told me I would be tired and possibly (more than likely) be in pain in my ovaries, have head aches and not to mention that I have had to take an allergy pill nearly every day of my life and not being able to is killing me. I go back in on wed to do another scan to see if I am "ready" and if so then Todd and I have to decide if we want to start the IUI this round. I just have no clue what to do. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am trying so hard to not let this effect my day to day responsibilities but it is. This week is already a crazy week without adding any other stress to the mix with it being Todd's birthday, Aiden's birthday and party (and having to scramble because of rain), Fathers day and Todd's dads birthday. We have so much going on this week! I am so thankful that I talked my boss into coming next week. I don't think I could have handled having to prepare for him this week.

Todd and I are so different in how we deal with this. I am trying so hard to stay positive and believe and hope that this is it and its going to work but I don't want to get my hopes up too high just to be let down. I know what it has felt like every time over the past two and half years to take a pregnancy test and feel that horrible let down and with how crazy my body is there were multiple times I would take multiple pregnancy tests within a three weeks span because I am so out of whack that is emotionally hard to deal with and its hard not to continue to get your hopes up. I am hopeful but I know that this time will be a lot harder to deal with if it doesn't take because we have put forth so much with the shots and all my appointments. Todd on the other hand is negative only to make it easier if it doesn't take not to feel the pain and if it does take to be so excited! I completely understand and know he has the right to deal with this in his own way, it just becomes hard for us both to help each other. I am not mad at him and I hope he is not mad at me. I love him so much and as we were talking yesterday he told me that we cant let this divide us and I am trying so hard not to because he is the love of my life and I thank God for him everyday. God knew what I needed in a husband and a father to our son way more than I knew what I needed and I am so thankful I listened to God and married him! We just have different ways of dealing with this and I just want it to be over so we can get back to normal. I look back at how close we were right before we had Aiden, I can remember telling him that I was so in love with him and I was so scared that having a baby was going to change that. Of course our relationship changed and it was strained for a bit with a newborn but he is still the love of my life. I look at what a good Godly man he is and I feel blessed I just want to be back to that place we were. I wish we didn't have to go through this but I know that if I have to go through this there is no greater man to go through this with than him. We will make it through this and we will be better because of it. We were discussing this morning how he knew before he married me that this was a possibility and how Aiden really is our miracle child and I am so thankful for him. But even knowing this was a possibility there is no way of knowing how you are going to feel when it really happens. Please please please pray for us. I am really needing prayer right now. I am clinging to Phil 4:13 because I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Thank you so much to those of you who do pray for us on a daily basis and thank you so much to my family and friends who are always there for me. You all mean so much to me and you all are apart of what is helping me get through this!