Journey

For over 2 years now we have been trying to have another precious baby. Sadly after several rounds of assistance drugs, surgery, more medication, and endless tears we are still searching for our baby of grace. This has been an extremely emotional time for me. There are so many reasons for me to be satisfied and full of love, and I love my son. He truly is God's gift to us and we can see that without a doubt now since we got pregnant with him on our first try. Some people say we should just be thankful for what we have because some don't even get that, and I agree that I need to be thankful for him and I am oh how I am. You cant put a price on the love and joy I experience daily with my little boy. He is my world and has been since I carried him in my womb. I will always know what it is like to carry a child and to give birth to him and see the miracle it truly is. However, my heart aches for another baby. I don't feel like my family is complete. When I think about our family later on in life I always saw big Sunday dinners with all our children there with their children. My children having a close relationship with each other like we currently do with our siblings. I see Aiden with our friends babies and he is so good with them. He wants a baby brother/sister. I could see him being the big brother who teaches his brother how to play ball, how to wrestle, how to freak mom out! I could see him being so protective of a baby sister and knowing that she would always have someone to lean on. When I look at him, I don't see an only child. Although these past couple of years have been extremely hard and overwhelming, I have never let it take away from our son. We truly make the most of every day with him. We always want to make sure he comes first. We want him to have the most wonderful memories as a child and we want him to look back at his childhood one day and see that we never missed a beat with him. I think this sometimes is where I struggle. I have so many roles to play throughout the day, every morning I am his mommy and whatever he needs me to do I do. I get ready for work and I step into the role of a working woman, then I come back and pick him up and go right back to mommy and wife mode picks up around the same time. I still play the working mom at home for a bit to get all of my emails checked, paperwork done, and to look at my next days work. I try so hard to keep everything together that I lay there at night and that is when I let all my emotions take over. I am so thankful for family and friends who are always there to talk and let me vent but its just something I cant explain. I feel alone in all of this. Even if someone has gone through it before it doesn't seem to help me. I feel broken, defective, and a failure. My husband doesn't quite seem to understand how this affects me. I know it affects him as well but in a completely different way. I wish he was more compassionate towards me, and I don't mean he isn't compassionate because he is. He is an amazing man and I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I just wish he would talk to me more about it and just sit and hold me. He doesn't know how to express how he is feeling so he just shuts down and then I in turn feel like I am going at this alone and that he doesn't care if we have another child. He says he doesn't want to keep talking about it with me, because he thinks that will keep me depressed. But I think about it every day anyway. I am thankful for a husband who loves me and I know God will get us through this!!!

I want this blog to be a place where I can be real and hopefully it will help me to let go and let God. We are starting another step in our journey to find our Baby of Grace. I want to journal about this experience so when we finally do get our baby we can look back at all we went through and praise God for such wonderful blessings.