at a loss.....

I can remember being in middle school and high school and having my life planned out. When I was going to get married, what I was going to do career wise, how many children I was going to have, etc. Why in the world would I think that having children would be any different than every thing else that didn't happen the way I planned it. The key word there being I. I planned all that, not God. God has his own plan. I just wish I knew what that plan was. I want so badly to be in the will of God but I also so badly want to know what that is. Its very hard to think that I might not have another baby. I just wish if that were the case that this longing in my heart would go away. I am at such a loss for not only words but feelings as well. Its hard having to go through this month in and month out. How do I even keep talking about it because there isn't anything new to say but the pain doesn't get any less. Some people don't understand and I know that having never been in this situation makes it hard to understand but it doesn't help me any. I am so thankful to have the support system I do. I really do have a great circle that lets me talk anytime I need to and even if I have said the same thing 15 times they just let me talk. Its hard to believe that I may never know what life with two children is like. That I will never have another baby of my own to hold for three hour naps, to rock and feed, to watch that baby grow into a marvelous four year old. That I may never see my amazing husband hold another baby of our own. Yet that seems to be my reality.

Dear Lord give me guidance and strength to follow you and trust you. I am blessed to have the wonderful baby I do have and Oh Lord how I thank you for him. I praise your sweet name. Help me to be faithful in your will for our life.

Amen