1:30 in the morning

Its 1:30 in the morning and I cant sleep. Generally I only sleep well when I take a lunesta. I didn't take them while at meetings in fear of oversleeping so I was up most of the nights there tossing and turning. Slept decent while in OKC due to Lunesta but haven't taken one in a few nights and I am regretting it but by the time I realize (which note to self, its going to happen every night) I am not going to be able to sleep its too late to take one. What makes it even worse is that I have been snoring a lot lately and that is keeping Todd up and he has been sick over the past week so he desperately needs sleep, and is sleeping in the other room. That makes me feel even more alone than I already do. Todd and I haven't really discussed what way we are headed. I throw pieces of information out that I have learned or if I have talked with an agency but he doesn't really ask questions or ask what all we need to do to get the ball rolling. I know this is just his way of dealing with it and I am trying to respect that its just very hard on me. I need to feel like I am doing something. I cant sit here and feel like I am letting precious time slip out of my hands. Maybe that is a bit controlling of me and I need to relax but I feel like if I am not doing something than I am not doing anything to make the situation better. I know my God has this under control and he doesn't need my help but even getting pregnant takes action on our part. I am pretty sure Jesus was and will always be the only immaculate conception! It was even more heart wrenching to hear from one of my doctors that if she had only known just a week or two earlier should could have matched us with a teen mom who is giving her baby up. But again it has to be in God's timing or its not His will and I know this but sometimes I feel like I cant catch a break. But then again I look at all the other aspects of my life and I am completely satisfied. I am so thankful to God for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I am thankful for His love for me. I am thankful for his huge sacrifice just to save me! I am asking for prayer though, although I know my God is in control I can feel myself starting to harden. I talk to God everyday and tell Him everything that He already knows but I am finding myself not reading or being in His word like I should be. I cant even begin to explain it. I know He is Lord of all and that He gave his only son to die for my sins and that I have given my heart to him to be Lord and King of my life. I know He has a plan and I cant see what the future holds but He always knows what is best and He loves me unconditionally, but the question of why keeps getting stronger and louder every day. and its not just why cant we have another baby its a whole realm of whys. Why didn't we start trying sooner, what have we done, have we done something wrong, are we done, if we are will I ever be able to accept this, how is my sadness affecting my marriage, should we adopt, if so how do you sit down and decide what type of child you are willing to accept and unwilling to accept. If I call myself a Christian shouldn't I be willing to receive any precious gift from God, why doesn't my child deserve a brother/sister. How will this effect him not only now but 30, 40, 50 years from now......The list goes on and on and repeats itself on a daily basis. I cant shut it off.

It will get better, it has to! Lord I love you and I am asking for strength and sleep!