at a loss.....

I can remember being in middle school and high school and having my life planned out. When I was going to get married, what I was going to do career wise, how many children I was going to have, etc. Why in the world would I think that having children would be any different than every thing else that didn't happen the way I planned it. The key word there being I. I planned all that, not God. God has his own plan. I just wish I knew what that plan was. I want so badly to be in the will of God but I also so badly want to know what that is. Its very hard to think that I might not have another baby. I just wish if that were the case that this longing in my heart would go away. I am at such a loss for not only words but feelings as well. Its hard having to go through this month in and month out. How do I even keep talking about it because there isn't anything new to say but the pain doesn't get any less. Some people don't understand and I know that having never been in this situation makes it hard to understand but it doesn't help me any. I am so thankful to have the support system I do. I really do have a great circle that lets me talk anytime I need to and even if I have said the same thing 15 times they just let me talk. Its hard to believe that I may never know what life with two children is like. That I will never have another baby of my own to hold for three hour naps, to rock and feed, to watch that baby grow into a marvelous four year old. That I may never see my amazing husband hold another baby of our own. Yet that seems to be my reality.

Dear Lord give me guidance and strength to follow you and trust you. I am blessed to have the wonderful baby I do have and Oh Lord how I thank you for him. I praise your sweet name. Help me to be faithful in your will for our life.

Amen

all kinds of emotions

I have been thinking a lot about some people I know who have lost a baby not long after they were blessed with their sweet angel and how it doesn't seem fair. I struggle so much throughout this process because I do have a sweet precious baby boy from my Heavenly Father. That child is so amazing to me! I cant even put into words how I feel about him and what that baby means to me. I love the age he is at and every little growth he is going through right now. How amazing it is to watch this process. It makes me love my God even more and knowing that I believe in my God and have for a long time but through this baby I am seeing Him! Childbirth itself is a miracle of God and how some one doesn't believe in God after they see a child born, seems so unfathomable. But over the last four years seeing him learn, hearing him ask questions and watching his mind seek out knowledge is unbelievable. My unconditional love for him astonishes me and I am reminded that is exactly how my Heavenly Father loves me and even more so. So I struggle with feeling like this, that I want another baby, because I have an amazing child. I struggle with the fact that I haven't experienced the type of loss that some of my friends have. Some of my friends have experience such heartache and loss that my issue seems so small in comparison. I look at my baby and cant imagine my life without him. He makes Todd and I's love so real and physically touchable (if that makes any sense). Aiden is the two of us together and together God trusted us with this baby. So why does it hurt so bad? I was explaining to someone today that my hurt isn't just because I so badly want another baby that it has everything to do with our son. I want him to experience all the love, fights, family vacations, holidays, special bond, family dinners, school dances, sports, milestones, and so much more that Todd and I had with our siblings. I want so bad for Aiden to have someone to talk to when Todd and I drive him crazy. I want him to have a brother or sister that he is excited to buy a birthday or Christmas present for and cant wait for them to open it. I want him to have a brother or sister to come home to when he comes home for the summer from college and when he gets married and when he has children of his own. I want him to have a brother or sister that when Todd and I are old and need help being taken care of he doesn't have to hold that burden alone. When Todd and I have reached our final destination I want Aiden to have someone to share in his sadness and help him remember all the good times we had as a family. I want Aiden to have a brother or sister who can help him see the importance of family and that no matter what happens in life they are always there for you. Maybe if Todd and I weren't so close to our siblings and have such great relationships with them and the fondest memories of not only our childhoods with them but even now as we grow older together it would be easier for me to see Aiden as an only child, but I want him to experience what I have. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting this for my child but I still struggle and sometimes feel that I am being ungrateful for what I do have in my beautiful son. Every time we sit down at the dinner table and I see the empty seat sitting next to me I wonder where is our other child. I cant explain to you that its not that I feel empty or not complete with just Aiden, I just feel like that seat is supposed to be holding another precious gift. Deep down I know I am not a bad mother that I am a good mother to my precious son but sometimes I cant help but think I have done something wrong. But I will tell you this, I am so thankful for a husband who loves me no matter what. That when I look at him now, I see how much this man loves me. I am thankful for a bond with him that is unbreakable. I am thankful for a son who is oblivious to any of this and just wants his mommy and daddy to play with him and love on him. I am thankful for true friends/sister that get how I am feeling and want to be there for me because they truly care about me and what I am going through. Although tough at first but I am thankful for God letting some people go out of my life who shouldn't be in it anyway. I am thankful for a family that hates to see us hurt and struggle and wants to do nothing more than love on us. and most importantly I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows my hurt but more than that He knows what is best for me and no matter what He will always love me and wrap His arms around me and sing over me. Oh sweet Jesus how I love you and adore you. I know you are watching over us! You will never give us more than we can handle. I am thankful for the cross that you are so loving to give your own life for me! You were God's only son and you took on the weight and sin of the world that we may have life eternal. What a testament to love! Thank you for your provision and I ask for strength and guidance.

So much to say

I looked back at my last couple of posts and even on our family blog and I am so short spoken and felt like I didn't make much sense in my posts. I understood what I was trying to say but I just didn't put it out there very well. I think that I have been in such a mood that I want to get my feelings out but I was just in a very different place and was having a hard time doing so. It felt strange for me not to want to talk to anyone the day I found out. and the fact that I didn't talk to anyone other than Todd, Aiden, and a few emails to my girlfriends to let them know what was going on for almost a week seemed even stranger for me. I am such a social person and I have felt this distance forming in my heart for several months now. I hate the person I have been lately. Its just not me. Every part of my life except for Aiden has suffered. The other night a few of my girlfriends and I went to dinner and that was one of the best nights I have had in a very long time for myself. I finally felt like laughing and smiling. Don't get me wrong I love my family and enjoy the time we all spend together I have just had this gloomy feeling hanging over me.

I have started on another medication and this medication is to actually help me feel better and I honestly believe it is working! I am so thankful that not only is this medication working and helping me to get back to who I was, that I get to be a part of this medication making other women's life better as well because I promote this drug! I look and see how God put me in this role because I can believe in it whole hearted! Its a great feeling to think that maybe just maybe there are more women out there who feel like they got their life back because of this drug!

I still feel stuck though. There is nothing I can do with the exception of a few things to for this entire process. It is completely out of our hands. I am a little bit of a control freak and I have gotten much better but you cant even try to control a situation like this. I feel like I need to be doing something. I already cut three inches off my hair (something I can control), looking at projects that need to be completed in our house, and of course I have been doing some shopping. But the problem with these solutions are they cost money and right now I need to be saving as much money as I can.

Todd and I are still at odds on what we should do. He really doesn't want to think about adoption but to me a baby even if it isn't our DNA is better than no baby. We have so many questions that no one can answer for us. We are seeking out Godly counsel to help guide us. We continue to talk about all of our possibilities and what we feel God is telling us to do. We spend a lot of time in prayer and reading. We just don't have that gut feeling that we are supposed to go one way or the other. We are leaning on each other for support and I am glad that God chose him as the partner who was supposed to walk through this journey with me.

I am not sure if I can go through that pain again of not being pregnant and doing so much to try to be pregnant. But why in the world did I let myself get my hopes up so high for about a 20% success rate? I told Todd to try to remind me of those odds on this round so I can try to keep myself grounded. I guess we shall see cause here we go again.

To or Not to

I feel so lost, confused, not in control, down on my luck, etc. I just dont know what to do. We finally sat down last night and talked but its crazy neither one of us has that deep down feeling of what we are supposed to do. We have prayed so much and I have read and tried to listen to God. I am not angry at God or question His authority. Its just in other situations we have always had a peace about the decision we are supposed to make. This time we both have no idea what we are supposed to do. Its a decision neither one of us feel like we can make. This seems like an impossible decision to make. I know no one can make this decision for us or tell us their opinions, it has to be our decision and we have to rely on God for this but I am so confused. I am really at a loss. It seems so unreal that we are even having to think about this. But I am so thankful for our family and friends. I am glad that they can be there with me to cry and lend their shoulder and help me to laugh. Laughter such an amazing release for my soul.

Heartbroken

Every time I have taken a pregnancy test over the last two years, I have experienced heartbreak, but nothing like this. That was probably the worst day I have had in a long time. I wasn't prepared to find out the way I did. Not only has this been so hard on me emotionally but physically as well. My body has been so out of whack. I have gained so much weight and I am not comfortable in my own skin. I told myself that it would all be worth it and I would drop the weight after I had a baby. Why did I let myself get my hopes up when I knew the success rate was so low. Its so hard though how do you not get your hopes up when you put yourself through so much physically and emotionally? I haven't felt like that in so long. I completely shut down. I couldn't talk to anyone. I just had to get away. I told myself I needed some time to not think about it at all and getting away from everything would be the best way for me to do that. I didn't really let myself think about it and that was nice. Now I can look at the situation with a clear head. Its going to be tough to go down this road again...

Trying to keep myself busy

This past week has been so hard trying to keep myself from thinking about whats to come. In the past I have always let it get the best of me wondering if I am pregnant or not. And with my crazy cycles there were times I would go through three or four pregnancy tests because I would never know. My doctor told me that I really had to get that under control that I couldnt spend so much time letting this consume me. But really this has been my life for over two years now. How do you not think about this. and now with us going to even greater links how do you think about anything else than this. I have been trying to keep myself so busy with activities that I dont think about it but its hard. This week is going to be a hard one.

Where to begin...

Needless to say I am grumpy, tired, I hurt, my head hurts, and I am sure my list of complaints could go on and on. I am not sure how much longer I can do this. But I know my God can. I absolutely need to lean on Him right now because its getting harder with each day. They told me I would be tired and possibly (more than likely) be in pain in my ovaries, have head aches and not to mention that I have had to take an allergy pill nearly every day of my life and not being able to is killing me. I go back in on wed to do another scan to see if I am "ready" and if so then Todd and I have to decide if we want to start the IUI this round. I just have no clue what to do. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am trying so hard to not let this effect my day to day responsibilities but it is. This week is already a crazy week without adding any other stress to the mix with it being Todd's birthday, Aiden's birthday and party (and having to scramble because of rain), Fathers day and Todd's dads birthday. We have so much going on this week! I am so thankful that I talked my boss into coming next week. I don't think I could have handled having to prepare for him this week.

Todd and I are so different in how we deal with this. I am trying so hard to stay positive and believe and hope that this is it and its going to work but I don't want to get my hopes up too high just to be let down. I know what it has felt like every time over the past two and half years to take a pregnancy test and feel that horrible let down and with how crazy my body is there were multiple times I would take multiple pregnancy tests within a three weeks span because I am so out of whack that is emotionally hard to deal with and its hard not to continue to get your hopes up. I am hopeful but I know that this time will be a lot harder to deal with if it doesn't take because we have put forth so much with the shots and all my appointments. Todd on the other hand is negative only to make it easier if it doesn't take not to feel the pain and if it does take to be so excited! I completely understand and know he has the right to deal with this in his own way, it just becomes hard for us both to help each other. I am not mad at him and I hope he is not mad at me. I love him so much and as we were talking yesterday he told me that we cant let this divide us and I am trying so hard not to because he is the love of my life and I thank God for him everyday. God knew what I needed in a husband and a father to our son way more than I knew what I needed and I am so thankful I listened to God and married him! We just have different ways of dealing with this and I just want it to be over so we can get back to normal. I look back at how close we were right before we had Aiden, I can remember telling him that I was so in love with him and I was so scared that having a baby was going to change that. Of course our relationship changed and it was strained for a bit with a newborn but he is still the love of my life. I look at what a good Godly man he is and I feel blessed I just want to be back to that place we were. I wish we didn't have to go through this but I know that if I have to go through this there is no greater man to go through this with than him. We will make it through this and we will be better because of it. We were discussing this morning how he knew before he married me that this was a possibility and how Aiden really is our miracle child and I am so thankful for him. But even knowing this was a possibility there is no way of knowing how you are going to feel when it really happens. Please please please pray for us. I am really needing prayer right now. I am clinging to Phil 4:13 because I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Thank you so much to those of you who do pray for us on a daily basis and thank you so much to my family and friends who are always there for me. You all mean so much to me and you all are apart of what is helping me get through this!