Heartbroken

Every time I have taken a pregnancy test over the last two years, I have experienced heartbreak, but nothing like this. That was probably the worst day I have had in a long time. I wasn't prepared to find out the way I did. Not only has this been so hard on me emotionally but physically as well. My body has been so out of whack. I have gained so much weight and I am not comfortable in my own skin. I told myself that it would all be worth it and I would drop the weight after I had a baby. Why did I let myself get my hopes up when I knew the success rate was so low. Its so hard though how do you not get your hopes up when you put yourself through so much physically and emotionally? I haven't felt like that in so long. I completely shut down. I couldn't talk to anyone. I just had to get away. I told myself I needed some time to not think about it at all and getting away from everything would be the best way for me to do that. I didn't really let myself think about it and that was nice. Now I can look at the situation with a clear head. Its going to be tough to go down this road again...

Trying to keep myself busy

This past week has been so hard trying to keep myself from thinking about whats to come. In the past I have always let it get the best of me wondering if I am pregnant or not. And with my crazy cycles there were times I would go through three or four pregnancy tests because I would never know. My doctor told me that I really had to get that under control that I couldnt spend so much time letting this consume me. But really this has been my life for over two years now. How do you not think about this. and now with us going to even greater links how do you think about anything else than this. I have been trying to keep myself so busy with activities that I dont think about it but its hard. This week is going to be a hard one.

Where to begin...

Needless to say I am grumpy, tired, I hurt, my head hurts, and I am sure my list of complaints could go on and on. I am not sure how much longer I can do this. But I know my God can. I absolutely need to lean on Him right now because its getting harder with each day. They told me I would be tired and possibly (more than likely) be in pain in my ovaries, have head aches and not to mention that I have had to take an allergy pill nearly every day of my life and not being able to is killing me. I go back in on wed to do another scan to see if I am "ready" and if so then Todd and I have to decide if we want to start the IUI this round. I just have no clue what to do. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am trying so hard to not let this effect my day to day responsibilities but it is. This week is already a crazy week without adding any other stress to the mix with it being Todd's birthday, Aiden's birthday and party (and having to scramble because of rain), Fathers day and Todd's dads birthday. We have so much going on this week! I am so thankful that I talked my boss into coming next week. I don't think I could have handled having to prepare for him this week.

Todd and I are so different in how we deal with this. I am trying so hard to stay positive and believe and hope that this is it and its going to work but I don't want to get my hopes up too high just to be let down. I know what it has felt like every time over the past two and half years to take a pregnancy test and feel that horrible let down and with how crazy my body is there were multiple times I would take multiple pregnancy tests within a three weeks span because I am so out of whack that is emotionally hard to deal with and its hard not to continue to get your hopes up. I am hopeful but I know that this time will be a lot harder to deal with if it doesn't take because we have put forth so much with the shots and all my appointments. Todd on the other hand is negative only to make it easier if it doesn't take not to feel the pain and if it does take to be so excited! I completely understand and know he has the right to deal with this in his own way, it just becomes hard for us both to help each other. I am not mad at him and I hope he is not mad at me. I love him so much and as we were talking yesterday he told me that we cant let this divide us and I am trying so hard not to because he is the love of my life and I thank God for him everyday. God knew what I needed in a husband and a father to our son way more than I knew what I needed and I am so thankful I listened to God and married him! We just have different ways of dealing with this and I just want it to be over so we can get back to normal. I look back at how close we were right before we had Aiden, I can remember telling him that I was so in love with him and I was so scared that having a baby was going to change that. Of course our relationship changed and it was strained for a bit with a newborn but he is still the love of my life. I look at what a good Godly man he is and I feel blessed I just want to be back to that place we were. I wish we didn't have to go through this but I know that if I have to go through this there is no greater man to go through this with than him. We will make it through this and we will be better because of it. We were discussing this morning how he knew before he married me that this was a possibility and how Aiden really is our miracle child and I am so thankful for him. But even knowing this was a possibility there is no way of knowing how you are going to feel when it really happens. Please please please pray for us. I am really needing prayer right now. I am clinging to Phil 4:13 because I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Thank you so much to those of you who do pray for us on a daily basis and thank you so much to my family and friends who are always there for me. You all mean so much to me and you all are apart of what is helping me get through this!

Oops...

We have done a million things today and I totally didn't start my watch clock at 9 tonight like I usually do. We had a snow cone and then let Aiden go down to the golf course to putt around and then when we got back he needed a shower and I had to get him ready for bed. By the time I finally got him done with showering, medicine, pottying, brushing teeth, kisses, hugs, tucking him in, more kisses and hugs it was after 10. I looked at the clock but I never thought oh its almost time for my shot. It was 10:58 when I decided I should start getting ready for bed since Todd is still watching a movie. I thought I will go ahead and get ready for bed that way when he is ready I will be completely ready. That is when I went "OH CRAP!!!!" I had forgot to stop at 10:30 and give myself my shot. I ran and got my stuff and was done by 11:02. I didn't have time to stop and think about this one!!! I hope I didn't screw things up! Now I am really nervous cause Todd and I were talking tonight about how I am sad because we aren't going to take a big vacation like we had planned to do with our friends because of this. We need to save our money to put towards these shots. I totally agree with that its just that it makes me sad. I was so looking forward to heading back to Mexico and laying on the beach sipping on fun drinks and enjoying some much needed relaxation with my hubby and some of our best friends. We had so much fun last time and I know this time would be even better. Plus I am about to turn 30 (not like I have really had the time to let that milestone bother me) and I wanted to do something big and fun. But with these shots we cant. I am hopeful this first round will take so that we don't have to do another month but I also know that if this round does take we wont be able to take a vacation next year because we will have a small baby but if it doesn't take then we will have to go for round two and that will mean we have to save even more money meaning that next year wont look possible either. It will totally be worth it to not take a vacation to have a baby I just wish we could do both!!!! We also started talking about our decision to only do two rounds of shots and that's it. We have decided we wont do invitro. So now I am really starting to feel the pressure. But that is the sad thing is that there is nothing I can do except I guess to remember to take my shots on time!!!! We will look into adoption but we haven't decided if we will agree to go ahead with the process. Blah....it really stinks having to deal with this but I know my God is bigger than me or my problems and He has a plan for us.

So far so good

So today will be shot number 4! Friday night I sat there in my bathroom for 15 minutes trying to tell myself all was well and it wasn't going to hurt. But this time this shot meant way more than just the pain attached to it. I had to tell myself that God is in control and I cant control this. All I could sit there and think about was if I was going to screw it up somehow. I think I checked the dial 15 times to make sure I had the right dose set and I did. Surprisingly it didn't hurt well the needle that is, but the actual medicine did burn. I have to give it to myself the same time every night so I chose 10:30 that way I wouldn't have to hurry home if we were out and about doing something fun and that is a good time that even if we were out we should be getting home by then any way so Aiden can be in bed. However the other night Todd and I wanted to go see a movie and it didn't start until 10:10 and that meant I was going to have to take all my stuff with me and give myself the shot at the movies. That didn't sound like fun and I was really scared to mess the medication up due to the fact that it has to be refrigerated. I have ice packs for it but when you are talking that much money its best to error on the side of caution. But overall the shots are going rather well. I know I am doing something right because I am having a bit of an allergic reaction to the meds. They made me stop taking all of my allergy meds and I think that is why I am struggling so hard with this. They said a little itching at the site of injection is normal but I feel like I have the chicken pox. I itch everywhere. All over my legs and backs and arms. So thankfully my doctor let me take a Zyrtec today to help get it under control. I am going to see how long I can go without taking any more allergy meds so I just hope and pray this one will stick with me for awhile!! After all this is said and I done I will be able to say I overcame so much! I am so thankful for so many wonderful things and one day I will be able to look back on this journey and say it just had to happen to get me to where I belong!

Overwhelmed

Today I am feeling overwhelmed. I have so many questions and my mind was spinning yesterday at the doctor that I couldn't think of one question to ask. I was in shock that we made the decision to start the shots. We have been bombarded with huge decisions that have taken priority and we hadn't even talked much about what we were going to do. I knew that yesterday was the day I needed to decide something because of where I am at in my cycle. I could have decided to wait another month to decide but after sitting there in the doctors office, I had this overwhelming feeling that I would always wonder what if I didn't give these shots a chance. I know I am a little biased but Aiden is such a cute little boy that I know if we were to have another baby he or she would be just as cute and I needed to say that we did everything we could to have one more child that was ours! Not that if we did end up adopting that child wouldn't be ours but having another child with my husband just reminds me of our love and that although we are separate people having a child makes us one! I am excited, nervous, anxious, and scared. This is where my God comes in. He is bigger than me and knows all. He tells us that He knows the plans He has for us and they are not to harm us. Since I spend so much time worrying and thinking about it all, my doctor gave me the number to a therapist to contact to see if that might help me. I think between that, this blog, and really submitting myself to the will of God I can get through this.

I will start the shots on friday and I have to give them to myself. The only problem is...I HATE SHOTS!!!!! Todd and I both don't know how I am going to do it and he may have to be the one to give it to me! Its all for a good cause and I think I have gotten better about getting shots but giving them to myself is a different story! I am sure it will be fine but still a little nervous!

Dear Lord

Thank you so much for all the many blessings you have given to us. We are so thankful and ask that you forgive us if we sin against you in any of this. I know you are all mighty all powerful ruler of the universe and you know the plans you have for my life. May I be willing to let you lead and know that you are God. I pray for calmness and a stillness that only you can provide. I pray for a hedge around our family and that you would find favor with us and bless us with another child. You know the desires of my heart, yet I pray for your will to be done! In the mighty name of Jesus

Amen

Journey

For over 2 years now we have been trying to have another precious baby. Sadly after several rounds of assistance drugs, surgery, more medication, and endless tears we are still searching for our baby of grace. This has been an extremely emotional time for me. There are so many reasons for me to be satisfied and full of love, and I love my son. He truly is God's gift to us and we can see that without a doubt now since we got pregnant with him on our first try. Some people say we should just be thankful for what we have because some don't even get that, and I agree that I need to be thankful for him and I am oh how I am. You cant put a price on the love and joy I experience daily with my little boy. He is my world and has been since I carried him in my womb. I will always know what it is like to carry a child and to give birth to him and see the miracle it truly is. However, my heart aches for another baby. I don't feel like my family is complete. When I think about our family later on in life I always saw big Sunday dinners with all our children there with their children. My children having a close relationship with each other like we currently do with our siblings. I see Aiden with our friends babies and he is so good with them. He wants a baby brother/sister. I could see him being the big brother who teaches his brother how to play ball, how to wrestle, how to freak mom out! I could see him being so protective of a baby sister and knowing that she would always have someone to lean on. When I look at him, I don't see an only child. Although these past couple of years have been extremely hard and overwhelming, I have never let it take away from our son. We truly make the most of every day with him. We always want to make sure he comes first. We want him to have the most wonderful memories as a child and we want him to look back at his childhood one day and see that we never missed a beat with him. I think this sometimes is where I struggle. I have so many roles to play throughout the day, every morning I am his mommy and whatever he needs me to do I do. I get ready for work and I step into the role of a working woman, then I come back and pick him up and go right back to mommy and wife mode picks up around the same time. I still play the working mom at home for a bit to get all of my emails checked, paperwork done, and to look at my next days work. I try so hard to keep everything together that I lay there at night and that is when I let all my emotions take over. I am so thankful for family and friends who are always there to talk and let me vent but its just something I cant explain. I feel alone in all of this. Even if someone has gone through it before it doesn't seem to help me. I feel broken, defective, and a failure. My husband doesn't quite seem to understand how this affects me. I know it affects him as well but in a completely different way. I wish he was more compassionate towards me, and I don't mean he isn't compassionate because he is. He is an amazing man and I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I just wish he would talk to me more about it and just sit and hold me. He doesn't know how to express how he is feeling so he just shuts down and then I in turn feel like I am going at this alone and that he doesn't care if we have another child. He says he doesn't want to keep talking about it with me, because he thinks that will keep me depressed. But I think about it every day anyway. I am thankful for a husband who loves me and I know God will get us through this!!!

I want this blog to be a place where I can be real and hopefully it will help me to let go and let God. We are starting another step in our journey to find our Baby of Grace. I want to journal about this experience so when we finally do get our baby we can look back at all we went through and praise God for such wonderful blessings.