1:30 in the morning

Its 1:30 in the morning and I cant sleep. Generally I only sleep well when I take a lunesta. I didn't take them while at meetings in fear of oversleeping so I was up most of the nights there tossing and turning. Slept decent while in OKC due to Lunesta but haven't taken one in a few nights and I am regretting it but by the time I realize (which note to self, its going to happen every night) I am not going to be able to sleep its too late to take one. What makes it even worse is that I have been snoring a lot lately and that is keeping Todd up and he has been sick over the past week so he desperately needs sleep, and is sleeping in the other room. That makes me feel even more alone than I already do. Todd and I haven't really discussed what way we are headed. I throw pieces of information out that I have learned or if I have talked with an agency but he doesn't really ask questions or ask what all we need to do to get the ball rolling. I know this is just his way of dealing with it and I am trying to respect that its just very hard on me. I need to feel like I am doing something. I cant sit here and feel like I am letting precious time slip out of my hands. Maybe that is a bit controlling of me and I need to relax but I feel like if I am not doing something than I am not doing anything to make the situation better. I know my God has this under control and he doesn't need my help but even getting pregnant takes action on our part. I am pretty sure Jesus was and will always be the only immaculate conception! It was even more heart wrenching to hear from one of my doctors that if she had only known just a week or two earlier should could have matched us with a teen mom who is giving her baby up. But again it has to be in God's timing or its not His will and I know this but sometimes I feel like I cant catch a break. But then again I look at all the other aspects of my life and I am completely satisfied. I am so thankful to God for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I am thankful for His love for me. I am thankful for his huge sacrifice just to save me! I am asking for prayer though, although I know my God is in control I can feel myself starting to harden. I talk to God everyday and tell Him everything that He already knows but I am finding myself not reading or being in His word like I should be. I cant even begin to explain it. I know He is Lord of all and that He gave his only son to die for my sins and that I have given my heart to him to be Lord and King of my life. I know He has a plan and I cant see what the future holds but He always knows what is best and He loves me unconditionally, but the question of why keeps getting stronger and louder every day. and its not just why cant we have another baby its a whole realm of whys. Why didn't we start trying sooner, what have we done, have we done something wrong, are we done, if we are will I ever be able to accept this, how is my sadness affecting my marriage, should we adopt, if so how do you sit down and decide what type of child you are willing to accept and unwilling to accept. If I call myself a Christian shouldn't I be willing to receive any precious gift from God, why doesn't my child deserve a brother/sister. How will this effect him not only now but 30, 40, 50 years from now......The list goes on and on and repeats itself on a daily basis. I cant shut it off.

It will get better, it has to! Lord I love you and I am asking for strength and sleep!

at a loss.....

I can remember being in middle school and high school and having my life planned out. When I was going to get married, what I was going to do career wise, how many children I was going to have, etc. Why in the world would I think that having children would be any different than every thing else that didn't happen the way I planned it. The key word there being I. I planned all that, not God. God has his own plan. I just wish I knew what that plan was. I want so badly to be in the will of God but I also so badly want to know what that is. Its very hard to think that I might not have another baby. I just wish if that were the case that this longing in my heart would go away. I am at such a loss for not only words but feelings as well. Its hard having to go through this month in and month out. How do I even keep talking about it because there isn't anything new to say but the pain doesn't get any less. Some people don't understand and I know that having never been in this situation makes it hard to understand but it doesn't help me any. I am so thankful to have the support system I do. I really do have a great circle that lets me talk anytime I need to and even if I have said the same thing 15 times they just let me talk. Its hard to believe that I may never know what life with two children is like. That I will never have another baby of my own to hold for three hour naps, to rock and feed, to watch that baby grow into a marvelous four year old. That I may never see my amazing husband hold another baby of our own. Yet that seems to be my reality.

Dear Lord give me guidance and strength to follow you and trust you. I am blessed to have the wonderful baby I do have and Oh Lord how I thank you for him. I praise your sweet name. Help me to be faithful in your will for our life.

Amen

all kinds of emotions

I have been thinking a lot about some people I know who have lost a baby not long after they were blessed with their sweet angel and how it doesn't seem fair. I struggle so much throughout this process because I do have a sweet precious baby boy from my Heavenly Father. That child is so amazing to me! I cant even put into words how I feel about him and what that baby means to me. I love the age he is at and every little growth he is going through right now. How amazing it is to watch this process. It makes me love my God even more and knowing that I believe in my God and have for a long time but through this baby I am seeing Him! Childbirth itself is a miracle of God and how some one doesn't believe in God after they see a child born, seems so unfathomable. But over the last four years seeing him learn, hearing him ask questions and watching his mind seek out knowledge is unbelievable. My unconditional love for him astonishes me and I am reminded that is exactly how my Heavenly Father loves me and even more so. So I struggle with feeling like this, that I want another baby, because I have an amazing child. I struggle with the fact that I haven't experienced the type of loss that some of my friends have. Some of my friends have experience such heartache and loss that my issue seems so small in comparison. I look at my baby and cant imagine my life without him. He makes Todd and I's love so real and physically touchable (if that makes any sense). Aiden is the two of us together and together God trusted us with this baby. So why does it hurt so bad? I was explaining to someone today that my hurt isn't just because I so badly want another baby that it has everything to do with our son. I want him to experience all the love, fights, family vacations, holidays, special bond, family dinners, school dances, sports, milestones, and so much more that Todd and I had with our siblings. I want so bad for Aiden to have someone to talk to when Todd and I drive him crazy. I want him to have a brother or sister that he is excited to buy a birthday or Christmas present for and cant wait for them to open it. I want him to have a brother or sister to come home to when he comes home for the summer from college and when he gets married and when he has children of his own. I want him to have a brother or sister that when Todd and I are old and need help being taken care of he doesn't have to hold that burden alone. When Todd and I have reached our final destination I want Aiden to have someone to share in his sadness and help him remember all the good times we had as a family. I want Aiden to have a brother or sister who can help him see the importance of family and that no matter what happens in life they are always there for you. Maybe if Todd and I weren't so close to our siblings and have such great relationships with them and the fondest memories of not only our childhoods with them but even now as we grow older together it would be easier for me to see Aiden as an only child, but I want him to experience what I have. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting this for my child but I still struggle and sometimes feel that I am being ungrateful for what I do have in my beautiful son. Every time we sit down at the dinner table and I see the empty seat sitting next to me I wonder where is our other child. I cant explain to you that its not that I feel empty or not complete with just Aiden, I just feel like that seat is supposed to be holding another precious gift. Deep down I know I am not a bad mother that I am a good mother to my precious son but sometimes I cant help but think I have done something wrong. But I will tell you this, I am so thankful for a husband who loves me no matter what. That when I look at him now, I see how much this man loves me. I am thankful for a bond with him that is unbreakable. I am thankful for a son who is oblivious to any of this and just wants his mommy and daddy to play with him and love on him. I am thankful for true friends/sister that get how I am feeling and want to be there for me because they truly care about me and what I am going through. Although tough at first but I am thankful for God letting some people go out of my life who shouldn't be in it anyway. I am thankful for a family that hates to see us hurt and struggle and wants to do nothing more than love on us. and most importantly I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows my hurt but more than that He knows what is best for me and no matter what He will always love me and wrap His arms around me and sing over me. Oh sweet Jesus how I love you and adore you. I know you are watching over us! You will never give us more than we can handle. I am thankful for the cross that you are so loving to give your own life for me! You were God's only son and you took on the weight and sin of the world that we may have life eternal. What a testament to love! Thank you for your provision and I ask for strength and guidance.

So much to say

I looked back at my last couple of posts and even on our family blog and I am so short spoken and felt like I didn't make much sense in my posts. I understood what I was trying to say but I just didn't put it out there very well. I think that I have been in such a mood that I want to get my feelings out but I was just in a very different place and was having a hard time doing so. It felt strange for me not to want to talk to anyone the day I found out. and the fact that I didn't talk to anyone other than Todd, Aiden, and a few emails to my girlfriends to let them know what was going on for almost a week seemed even stranger for me. I am such a social person and I have felt this distance forming in my heart for several months now. I hate the person I have been lately. Its just not me. Every part of my life except for Aiden has suffered. The other night a few of my girlfriends and I went to dinner and that was one of the best nights I have had in a very long time for myself. I finally felt like laughing and smiling. Don't get me wrong I love my family and enjoy the time we all spend together I have just had this gloomy feeling hanging over me.

I have started on another medication and this medication is to actually help me feel better and I honestly believe it is working! I am so thankful that not only is this medication working and helping me to get back to who I was, that I get to be a part of this medication making other women's life better as well because I promote this drug! I look and see how God put me in this role because I can believe in it whole hearted! Its a great feeling to think that maybe just maybe there are more women out there who feel like they got their life back because of this drug!

I still feel stuck though. There is nothing I can do with the exception of a few things to for this entire process. It is completely out of our hands. I am a little bit of a control freak and I have gotten much better but you cant even try to control a situation like this. I feel like I need to be doing something. I already cut three inches off my hair (something I can control), looking at projects that need to be completed in our house, and of course I have been doing some shopping. But the problem with these solutions are they cost money and right now I need to be saving as much money as I can.

Todd and I are still at odds on what we should do. He really doesn't want to think about adoption but to me a baby even if it isn't our DNA is better than no baby. We have so many questions that no one can answer for us. We are seeking out Godly counsel to help guide us. We continue to talk about all of our possibilities and what we feel God is telling us to do. We spend a lot of time in prayer and reading. We just don't have that gut feeling that we are supposed to go one way or the other. We are leaning on each other for support and I am glad that God chose him as the partner who was supposed to walk through this journey with me.

I am not sure if I can go through that pain again of not being pregnant and doing so much to try to be pregnant. But why in the world did I let myself get my hopes up so high for about a 20% success rate? I told Todd to try to remind me of those odds on this round so I can try to keep myself grounded. I guess we shall see cause here we go again.

To or Not to

I feel so lost, confused, not in control, down on my luck, etc. I just dont know what to do. We finally sat down last night and talked but its crazy neither one of us has that deep down feeling of what we are supposed to do. We have prayed so much and I have read and tried to listen to God. I am not angry at God or question His authority. Its just in other situations we have always had a peace about the decision we are supposed to make. This time we both have no idea what we are supposed to do. Its a decision neither one of us feel like we can make. This seems like an impossible decision to make. I know no one can make this decision for us or tell us their opinions, it has to be our decision and we have to rely on God for this but I am so confused. I am really at a loss. It seems so unreal that we are even having to think about this. But I am so thankful for our family and friends. I am glad that they can be there with me to cry and lend their shoulder and help me to laugh. Laughter such an amazing release for my soul.

Heartbroken

Every time I have taken a pregnancy test over the last two years, I have experienced heartbreak, but nothing like this. That was probably the worst day I have had in a long time. I wasn't prepared to find out the way I did. Not only has this been so hard on me emotionally but physically as well. My body has been so out of whack. I have gained so much weight and I am not comfortable in my own skin. I told myself that it would all be worth it and I would drop the weight after I had a baby. Why did I let myself get my hopes up when I knew the success rate was so low. Its so hard though how do you not get your hopes up when you put yourself through so much physically and emotionally? I haven't felt like that in so long. I completely shut down. I couldn't talk to anyone. I just had to get away. I told myself I needed some time to not think about it at all and getting away from everything would be the best way for me to do that. I didn't really let myself think about it and that was nice. Now I can look at the situation with a clear head. Its going to be tough to go down this road again...

Trying to keep myself busy

This past week has been so hard trying to keep myself from thinking about whats to come. In the past I have always let it get the best of me wondering if I am pregnant or not. And with my crazy cycles there were times I would go through three or four pregnancy tests because I would never know. My doctor told me that I really had to get that under control that I couldnt spend so much time letting this consume me. But really this has been my life for over two years now. How do you not think about this. and now with us going to even greater links how do you think about anything else than this. I have been trying to keep myself so busy with activities that I dont think about it but its hard. This week is going to be a hard one.