at a loss.....

I can remember being in middle school and high school and having my life planned out. When I was going to get married, what I was going to do career wise, how many children I was going to have, etc. Why in the world would I think that having children would be any different than every thing else that didn't happen the way I planned it. The key word there being I. I planned all that, not God. God has his own plan. I just wish I knew what that plan was. I want so badly to be in the will of God but I also so badly want to know what that is. Its very hard to think that I might not have another baby. I just wish if that were the case that this longing in my heart would go away. I am at such a loss for not only words but feelings as well. Its hard having to go through this month in and month out. How do I even keep talking about it because there isn't anything new to say but the pain doesn't get any less. Some people don't understand and I know that having never been in this situation makes it hard to understand but it doesn't help me any. I am so thankful to have the support system I do. I really do have a great circle that lets me talk anytime I need to and even if I have said the same thing 15 times they just let me talk. Its hard to believe that I may never know what life with two children is like. That I will never have another baby of my own to hold for three hour naps, to rock and feed, to watch that baby grow into a marvelous four year old. That I may never see my amazing husband hold another baby of our own. Yet that seems to be my reality.

Dear Lord give me guidance and strength to follow you and trust you. I am blessed to have the wonderful baby I do have and Oh Lord how I thank you for him. I praise your sweet name. Help me to be faithful in your will for our life.

Amen

all kinds of emotions

I have been thinking a lot about some people I know who have lost a baby not long after they were blessed with their sweet angel and how it doesn't seem fair. I struggle so much throughout this process because I do have a sweet precious baby boy from my Heavenly Father. That child is so amazing to me! I cant even put into words how I feel about him and what that baby means to me. I love the age he is at and every little growth he is going through right now. How amazing it is to watch this process. It makes me love my God even more and knowing that I believe in my God and have for a long time but through this baby I am seeing Him! Childbirth itself is a miracle of God and how some one doesn't believe in God after they see a child born, seems so unfathomable. But over the last four years seeing him learn, hearing him ask questions and watching his mind seek out knowledge is unbelievable. My unconditional love for him astonishes me and I am reminded that is exactly how my Heavenly Father loves me and even more so. So I struggle with feeling like this, that I want another baby, because I have an amazing child. I struggle with the fact that I haven't experienced the type of loss that some of my friends have. Some of my friends have experience such heartache and loss that my issue seems so small in comparison. I look at my baby and cant imagine my life without him. He makes Todd and I's love so real and physically touchable (if that makes any sense). Aiden is the two of us together and together God trusted us with this baby. So why does it hurt so bad? I was explaining to someone today that my hurt isn't just because I so badly want another baby that it has everything to do with our son. I want him to experience all the love, fights, family vacations, holidays, special bond, family dinners, school dances, sports, milestones, and so much more that Todd and I had with our siblings. I want so bad for Aiden to have someone to talk to when Todd and I drive him crazy. I want him to have a brother or sister that he is excited to buy a birthday or Christmas present for and cant wait for them to open it. I want him to have a brother or sister to come home to when he comes home for the summer from college and when he gets married and when he has children of his own. I want him to have a brother or sister that when Todd and I are old and need help being taken care of he doesn't have to hold that burden alone. When Todd and I have reached our final destination I want Aiden to have someone to share in his sadness and help him remember all the good times we had as a family. I want Aiden to have a brother or sister who can help him see the importance of family and that no matter what happens in life they are always there for you. Maybe if Todd and I weren't so close to our siblings and have such great relationships with them and the fondest memories of not only our childhoods with them but even now as we grow older together it would be easier for me to see Aiden as an only child, but I want him to experience what I have. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting this for my child but I still struggle and sometimes feel that I am being ungrateful for what I do have in my beautiful son. Every time we sit down at the dinner table and I see the empty seat sitting next to me I wonder where is our other child. I cant explain to you that its not that I feel empty or not complete with just Aiden, I just feel like that seat is supposed to be holding another precious gift. Deep down I know I am not a bad mother that I am a good mother to my precious son but sometimes I cant help but think I have done something wrong. But I will tell you this, I am so thankful for a husband who loves me no matter what. That when I look at him now, I see how much this man loves me. I am thankful for a bond with him that is unbreakable. I am thankful for a son who is oblivious to any of this and just wants his mommy and daddy to play with him and love on him. I am thankful for true friends/sister that get how I am feeling and want to be there for me because they truly care about me and what I am going through. Although tough at first but I am thankful for God letting some people go out of my life who shouldn't be in it anyway. I am thankful for a family that hates to see us hurt and struggle and wants to do nothing more than love on us. and most importantly I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows my hurt but more than that He knows what is best for me and no matter what He will always love me and wrap His arms around me and sing over me. Oh sweet Jesus how I love you and adore you. I know you are watching over us! You will never give us more than we can handle. I am thankful for the cross that you are so loving to give your own life for me! You were God's only son and you took on the weight and sin of the world that we may have life eternal. What a testament to love! Thank you for your provision and I ask for strength and guidance.