So much to say

I looked back at my last couple of posts and even on our family blog and I am so short spoken and felt like I didn't make much sense in my posts. I understood what I was trying to say but I just didn't put it out there very well. I think that I have been in such a mood that I want to get my feelings out but I was just in a very different place and was having a hard time doing so. It felt strange for me not to want to talk to anyone the day I found out. and the fact that I didn't talk to anyone other than Todd, Aiden, and a few emails to my girlfriends to let them know what was going on for almost a week seemed even stranger for me. I am such a social person and I have felt this distance forming in my heart for several months now. I hate the person I have been lately. Its just not me. Every part of my life except for Aiden has suffered. The other night a few of my girlfriends and I went to dinner and that was one of the best nights I have had in a very long time for myself. I finally felt like laughing and smiling. Don't get me wrong I love my family and enjoy the time we all spend together I have just had this gloomy feeling hanging over me.

I have started on another medication and this medication is to actually help me feel better and I honestly believe it is working! I am so thankful that not only is this medication working and helping me to get back to who I was, that I get to be a part of this medication making other women's life better as well because I promote this drug! I look and see how God put me in this role because I can believe in it whole hearted! Its a great feeling to think that maybe just maybe there are more women out there who feel like they got their life back because of this drug!

I still feel stuck though. There is nothing I can do with the exception of a few things to for this entire process. It is completely out of our hands. I am a little bit of a control freak and I have gotten much better but you cant even try to control a situation like this. I feel like I need to be doing something. I already cut three inches off my hair (something I can control), looking at projects that need to be completed in our house, and of course I have been doing some shopping. But the problem with these solutions are they cost money and right now I need to be saving as much money as I can.

Todd and I are still at odds on what we should do. He really doesn't want to think about adoption but to me a baby even if it isn't our DNA is better than no baby. We have so many questions that no one can answer for us. We are seeking out Godly counsel to help guide us. We continue to talk about all of our possibilities and what we feel God is telling us to do. We spend a lot of time in prayer and reading. We just don't have that gut feeling that we are supposed to go one way or the other. We are leaning on each other for support and I am glad that God chose him as the partner who was supposed to walk through this journey with me.

I am not sure if I can go through that pain again of not being pregnant and doing so much to try to be pregnant. But why in the world did I let myself get my hopes up so high for about a 20% success rate? I told Todd to try to remind me of those odds on this round so I can try to keep myself grounded. I guess we shall see cause here we go again.

To or Not to

I feel so lost, confused, not in control, down on my luck, etc. I just dont know what to do. We finally sat down last night and talked but its crazy neither one of us has that deep down feeling of what we are supposed to do. We have prayed so much and I have read and tried to listen to God. I am not angry at God or question His authority. Its just in other situations we have always had a peace about the decision we are supposed to make. This time we both have no idea what we are supposed to do. Its a decision neither one of us feel like we can make. This seems like an impossible decision to make. I know no one can make this decision for us or tell us their opinions, it has to be our decision and we have to rely on God for this but I am so confused. I am really at a loss. It seems so unreal that we are even having to think about this. But I am so thankful for our family and friends. I am glad that they can be there with me to cry and lend their shoulder and help me to laugh. Laughter such an amazing release for my soul.